I Clearly Need Medications

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There is a pill for everything. Depression? Check. Acne? Check. Can’t get it up? Check. Weird tingling sensations on your leg late at night? That’s not just a product of my sick, twisted imagination, it is an actual valid medical condition (Restless Leg Syndrome), AND there is an actual [...]

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Internet, Meet The Other Personalities Sharing This Body

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Today in Ass-Whooping

This is what I am capable of doing. So get the f*ck out of my way. ROFL

(From engrishfunny.com)

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Weird Demigod Widgets – Rusty

Every week like clockwork, I get my hair done. And by “done”, I mean every strand of hair that is not in its proper place is cut, shaved, plucked, hacked or sawed off my head. Like everything else in my paradoxical life, I am the hirsute Asian man.
This week as I was sitting on that [...]

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That’s Right. It’s Been a Year.

Didn’t even realize it until now. Jeez. This day is all about new realizations.
Methinks blogging for a year has dulled my perceptive abilities, but oh well.
I’m basking in my betterthanyouness.

Happy Bloggiversary to me!

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Conversations With (The Demi)God

 

 
 
Friday Afternoon: 
*ring ring
Stupid Lying Motherfucking Receptionist at Abe Restaurant (Serendra, The Fort): Good morning Abe Restaurant, how may I help you? 
(The Demi)God: Hi, I need to make a reservation for 6 people tonight at 7pm
Receptionist: Go ahead. 
(The Demi)God: Uhm… So… yeah, can I book a table for 6 people tonight at 7pm? 
Receptionist: Ok, you’ll be [...]

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TMI Thursday: Virgin Edition

TMI Thursday is a regular feature on www.livitluvit.com. 
***Alright, folks, you know the rules. Join us all in humiliating the crap out of yourself every Thursday by sharing some completely tasteless, wholly unclassy, “how many readers can I estrange THIS week??” TMI story about your life. Or hell, about someone else’s!
Steal this button and put it [...]

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Hobbits are NOT Terrorists

So the call says that the appointment has been set for Thursday morning at 9am, but be there an hour early. Five hours later, I was ready to scream bloody murder.
*** queue shiny, shimmering dissolve and plinky, plunky music***
The week before, I had gotten the worst dressing down of my life. You would think that [...]

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Weird Demigod Widgets – Random Edition

To the inexplicably hot dude who pulled up next to me at the intersection: I am not some kind of sick perv masturbating to the red light. I was lip-synching the last line of Michael Bolton’s “Go The Distance” as I imagined the thundering applause of a packed Carnegie Hall. I know it must’ve looked [...]

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The Four Horsemen Wear Heels

It’s taking the contractors about a month to get my freaking internet connection up and running. I’ve discovered that being online is a lot like a crack addiction:

You go through a life-changing experience (which in my world, can be anything from the loss of a testicle to seeing a butterfly bursting out of its cocoon, to stepping [...]

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When Does Medicare Kick In?

While waiting for testicular updates from a very good bloggy friend (I know, you’d be surprised, seeing as SHE can’t possibly have any testicles, although she IS a ballsy mom), I’m going to attempt to explain what happened in the last four uppity weeks of pandemonium that is my life. It’s gonna be tough, but [...]

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My Dream Proposal From The TeddyBear

Because I am such a math geek:

From xkcd.com <— totally life changing, like Calvin and Hobbes.
Sorry I haven’t been as verbose lately. But when you’re in between shitloads of boxes and vet visits and handling phones blowing up at work and trying to remove a radioactive uranium tube out of your ass (the last one [...]

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Where’s The Next Pharmaceutical Convention

Because I am TOTALLY using this line:
 

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Weird Demigod Widgets – Episode “Mistaken Identity”

Over lunch today, The Teddybear and I were discussing the end of the world.
As we are wont to do.
The Teddybear: I don’t think I want any vases or statues in our new home
Me: I could do with a 6-foot Eastern Zhou Dynasty vase, they’re so hard to find
The Teddybear: There’s one in that little pots-and-pans [...]

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I Can’t Get Over…

… this stomach flu. It’s getting better now, but it’ll flare up every now and then, which is why I’ve been absent from the blogosphere. Of all the things I hate, it’s something going haywire with my tummy. I hate it. I really do. I’ll do fever. I’ll do tonsillitis. I’ll take a migraine that [...]

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Gut Feeling

Actual conversation I had today:
Me: So hey listen, we need to talk…
My Gut: Don’t you “we need to talk” me you sonuvabitch.
Me: Look, I’m obviously very, very sorry.
My Gut: Sorry my ass.
Me: You don’t have one.
My Gut: Fuck you. First you take me to a godforsaken hotel in the fucking boonies, and fill me with [...]

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And More Dildos.

Politics is incredibly exhausting.  I have said it before and I’ll say it again, I have no patience for interpersonal drama in the workplace except when I put on a sequined gown and belt out an operatic song to let someone know they’ve been fired.
Let’s say, for example, that I am a vice president of a dildo-assembly [...]

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Emotions, Etc.

Emotions are a tricky thing.
At one point or another in our mental development and growth, emotions ebb and wane like the tides. There was a time when, as a child, unbridled glee and wanton disregard sprung forth from overflowing cups. As teenagers, rage frothed from every orifice.
As adults, we eventually learned to control them, refine [...]

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Just Perhaps

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Twas a Link Before Christmas, And All Through The Blogs…

Hot sportsmen wore nothing, not even a sock…
The showers were running all backwards in dares…
In the hopes that some shoppers would soon think like bears…
…
That’s as far as I got without my non-poetry-wired brain crashed.
Happy Holidays, everyone!

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