Eight Things

And of course, the first place my mind went to was 8 penises. But it’s really a meme I gratuitously stole from immoralmatriarch about

Eight Things I Like

• Peter Pan Honey Roast Creamy Peanut Butter. I can’t believe I have to go anywhere beyond that description!
• KFC 2-piece original recipe chicken with extra large gravy and a large macaroni salad *eyelid twitching, drowning in drool.
• The Sweetest Thing. Christina Applegate, Selma Blair, and Cameron Diaz shimmy around to the Penis Song. I mean HONESTLY. “What a lovely ride… your penis is a thrill! Your penis is Cadillac, a giant Coupe De Ville. Your penis packs a whallop. Your penis brings a load. And when it makes deliveries, it needs its own zip code! Nine-double zero-PENIS!” 
• This entire fucking line from Bath and Body Works. The saleslady at the Galleria in Houston was practically tripping all over herself when I asked for EVERYTHING that had sea island cotton on it. 
• Antonio Bandera’s and Angelina Jolie’s absolutely stunning fuck scene on Original Sin. It doesn’t hurt that the story is also mildly interesting. And no, that link doesn’t get you the video, you perv.
•  This La-Z-Boy. Have I told you that for $7, I can go see a movie in a theater that’s outfitted with La-Z-Boys, with unlimited popcorn and free-flowing soda? Yeah. Oh, and that the Eastwood Cinema 7 is right across the street from my building? Hell. Yeah.
• My goggies! They are the reason I come everyday with a twinkle in my eye, and a flutter in my step. That and I’m gay. *shrugs
• No-holds-barred-cirque-de-soleil-african-safari-nights-of-the-serengeti-slam-me-up-against-the-kitchen-counter-nuclear-explosion sex. 

Eight Things I Did Yesterday  

• Cleaned the bathroom. Fascinating. But wait, there’s more!
• Cleaned the car.
• Cleaned the walk-in closet.
• Paid my bills.
• Walked the dogs.
• Cooked some Pad Thai.
• Cleaned up afterwards. 
• Played with myself a little bit. Okay, a lot. 

Eight Things I Wish I Could Do.

• Get married. Attention all hetero lawmakers: Newsflash: you can’t catch it. 
• Give birth. Okay, maybe not so much give birth (props to all the mommies out there. Seriously. I used to be a nurse and what you are able to do is absolutely phenomenal. And gross. But also miraculous. And full of mucus.) but really just be a parent… Oh who am I kidding, I want to be a mom! 
• Pee diamonds. I imagine I could be extremely rich and in extreme pain. 
• Shit crisp $100 bills. Two words: paper cut.
• Have milk. *sniff
• Achieve multiple orgasms. I’ll take them one at a time, if need be. My personal best is about three in an hour. And by then I was dangerously dehydrated. He was like a prune. 
• Lose fat by eating peanut butter and then gain muscle tone just by thinking of Channing Tatum. I mean, srsly. 
• Hum while controlling my gag reflex. Ladies, if you can master this, you could rule the world. *evil wink

Eight Things I Don’t Like

• Raisins. I refuse to put anything in my mouth that is all shrunken and shrivelled up. 
• Cold swimming pools. See above. 
• Baked. Fucking. Beans. They are the evil EVIL jelly spawn of Satan ejected from his fifth and sixth nipples, respectively. 
• Squid. Can’t stand ‘em.
• Organized religion. Faith is a gift. I’d rather get store credit. Although I do enjoy a good history lesson.  
• The opera. I know, I know, for all intents and purposes I may as well turn in my gay card, but it’s just not my thing. 
• Bigots.
• Big things. There’s a reason it isn’t a vagina, gentlemen: it does NOT stretch nearly as much. I like ‘em just right. I’m the proverbial Goldicock. 

I’m not gonna tag anyone, but I’d love to see your eight things. 

*Eight things… teehee!