Movie Review: Twilight

 

The Cullens

I finally gave in to the incessant badgering of my friends to watch “Twilight”, apparently the movie du jour of the moment. This is the movie that middle-aged pasty geeks the world over have lined up for to watch. 

*shrugs*

I came in with already drastically low expectations, as I am wont to do in books-turned-to-movies. Add the interesting tidbit that this movie was made for only $37 million (compared to The Order of the Phoenix’s $150 million), mix in the fact that I’d already read (and loved) the book, stir in annoying and grossly uncivilized moviegoers… Well, let’s just say that I was prepared for the worst. 

Now this is the part where about 90% of my readers (i.e. 3 people) are going to want to lynch me: 

Skip it. 

Do yourself a favor and don’t watch it. 

I don’t even know where to begin with this one:

Cinematography: Done by a drunk 12-year old learning to hold a camera for the first time. All that fucking ziggly-zobbly-diagonal-tilty shit, especially during those tender moments between Bella and Edward. If anything, I wanted to go in there to gag at the sappy love story, but I ended up wanting a barf bag after the first ten minutes. Best example of how a movie can sometimes be better than Ipecac. 

Character Development: This is a no-brainer. It’s almost impossible to screw up character development with someone so richly neurotic as Bella. And hello, we’re talking about a coven of ethereal, other-worldly, totally hot vampires with unique supernatural gifts. But holy shit on a sandwich they managed to make each and every character drier than my roast chicken. And I serve that chicken swimming in gravy. 

Acting: Or lack thereof. Edward was so beautifully nuanced in the book! And he’s been a fucking teenager since 1918. He’s NINETY FUCKING YEARS OLD. Why in FUCK’S name does he still act like a fucking punk when he’s trying to impress Bella? No no, that’s not love. That’s just sloppy acting. On a good note, Bella was adequately played by Kristen Stewart, showing the right amount of restraint, peppered with brilliant outbursts of emotion typical of a hormonally-challenged teen experiencing lust for the first time. 

Make Up: Pale is good. You’d expect that of vampires. Word to the makeup artist: BLEND THAT SHIT INTO THE NECK AREA. Face as white as snow and neck as brown as graham cracker crust does NOT make for a sexy vampire. It makes Robert Thomas-Pattinson look like he’s one waterbra away from doing a one-man show as Liza Minnelli. That scene in the meadow where his skin was supposed to glitter like it was covered in Diamonds? Liberace meets Ru Paul. I’m just saying. 

The only saving graces of this movie were Carlisle and Emmet (and ok, the rest of the Cullens, because really, who wouldn’t want to fuck any one of them?). 

Seriously:

 

Peter Facinelli as Carlisle in tight leather pants lordhavemercy

Peter, again, but this time in a porn film. I cropped myself from this picture.

 

Kellan Lutz as Emmett Cullen, a.k.a. the lust of my life.

In conclusion: 

Isaac Asimov’s “The (Positronic) Bicentennial Man” = good book, shitty movie

Nathaniel Hawthorne’s “The Scarlet Letter” = AMAZING book, shitty movie

Arthur Golden’s Memoirs of a Geisha = PHENOMENAL book, shitty movie. 

HP Lovecraft’s “Cthulhu” = The Proust of modern-day horror. Tori Spelling appears in the movie. ‘Nuff said. 

The Golden Compass. I Am Legend. Atonement. 

Shit. Shit. Shit. 

Attention Hollywood: STOP FUCKING WITH MY BOOKS.

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