Just Another Random Penis

While the above title could be a reference to any of the (unknown) names in my little black book, today’s post will be a random bric-a-brac of phallic thoughts (which should not surprise you about me).

According to Men’s Health, here are some things you probably didn’t know about the (hopefully not-so) wee one: 

1. Smoking can shorten your beef stick by as much as a centimeter. Nicotine is a vasoconstrictor, and guess what’s all around your nut cannon? That’s right: blood vessels. Lighting up causes those little buggers to close up, meaning a shorter, softer woody. While the two previous adjectives would be great marketing tools for Kleenex, somehow it doesn’t work when talking about a tonsil tickler. 

2. Doctors can now grow skin for burn victims using the foreskins of (what I would assume to be Jewish) circumcised infants. One foreskin collected from a Bris can produce 23,000 square meters, which would be enough to tarp every Major League infield with human flesh. Everybody sing with me! Take me out to the ball game, take me out to the crowd, buy me some peanuts and cracker jacks, I don’t care if I ever get fat… 

3. Erectile Dysfunction (ED) and Premature Ejaculation (PE) are both symptoms of an enlarged prostate. While not part of the overall appeal of the package, the prostate is the control center of your Russian Spurtnick (prostrate before the prostate — HAHAHA!). Your ambiguously gay doctor will be more than happy to check your prostate for ya, and no amount of alcohol can numb you enough. 

4. The average male will “arrive” (as the English will put it) in a few minutes, and their “arrival” will last about 6 seconds. Women’s “arrival” will last about 23 seconds. Women’s lib folks hear this: I am NEVER giving up my seat in the bus for you EVER AGAIN until I get EQUALITY. 

5. The oldest known living organism with a seed shooter was Colymbosathon ecplecticos, which is Greek (not Latin) for “amazing swimmer with large penis”. Eclepticos = large enough to cause an eclipse.

6. Circumcised foreskin can be reconstructed if you want the Uncut edition. Movable skin on the shaft of the giggle stick is pulled toward the tip and set in place with surgical tape. Later, doctors apply plastic rings, caps, and counterweights which take years to completely return coverage of the *blag*  <— sound of the Demigod fainting. 

7. Statistics will show that only 1 in every 400 men have enough yoga practice to pleasure himself. I assume that all 399 made valiant efforts, and more than one person has had to go see his chiropractor after a failed attempt. 

8. There are two types of flesh flutes. One kind expands and lengthens when becoming erect (a grower). The other appears big most of the time, but doesn’t get much bigger after achieving erection (a shower). Personally, I like the grower kind. I like surprises. 

9. An international Men’s Health survey reports that 79 percent of men have growers, 21 percent have showers, so I guess I’m in luck! 

10. German researchers say the average horizontal tango lasts 2 minutes, 50 seconds, yet women perceive it as lasting 5 minutes, 30 seconds. I would assume that pornstars going at it in the videos are thinking about the different kinds of sandwiches to hold off the big finale. Not that I’ve watched any kind of porn, mind you. Wait… What IS porn anyway?

11. Turns out size does matter: The longer your Chief of Staff, the better “semen displacement” you’ll achieve when going at it with a woman flush with competing sperm. That’s according to researchers at the State University of New York, who used artificial phalluses (ahem) to test the “scooping” mechanism of the hooded warrior. Curing cancer and finding a vaccine against AIDS proved too hard, so they did the next best thing: play with a penis.  

12. The King Dong that’s been enjoyed by the most women could be that of King Fatefehi of Tonga, who supposedly deflowered 37,800 women between the years 1770 and 1784—which averages out at about seven a day. This was BEFORE Viagra. No wonder Simba was so enthusiastically singing “I just can’t WAIT to be KIIIIIINNNNNGGGGGG”. 

13. Nicholas Lemons may have stronger sperm than Nacho Libre. Spanish researchers showed women photos of guys who had good, average, and lousy sperm—and told them to pick the handsomest men. The women chose the best sperm producers most often. This sounds awfully biased. Even if Brad Pitt were shooting blanks I’d much rather go down on him than Jack Black. Then again, I’m not (yet) a woman. 

14. You don’t have to have a brain to ejaculate, ergo a headless rooster can still get his rocks off. Although this is readily apparent in many colleges and universities across the country (including bordertowns, third world nations, dark alleys) That order comes from the spinal cord. Finding a living vessel for said ejaculation, however, takes meticulous thought, planning, and often copious quantities of alcohol. 

15. The most common cause of penile rupture (yes, you read right: an exploding penis) is vigorous self-pleasuring. Great loves involve great risks. This is a risk worth taking. 

If you liked the euphemisms I used here, you’ll LOVE this dicktionary. (Get it?! LOL!)