Phallic Symbol Stress Blogging

Throughout the pages of time, you will notice that Filipinos have found true comfort in poking fun at tragedy and misery. That’s how we’re like roaches: even through a nuclear holocaust we will happily eat and poop our way through to survival, laughing all the way. Sisig and SanMigLight anyone? (Yes, it’s said as one word: SanMigLight).

Today was a particularly tragic day at work, one which I cannot divulge in the interwebs. But after hearing the news, I did what I do best: look for phallic symbols to laugh at.

…

The interwebs is surprisingly mum on phallic symbols, but I DID stumble into a discussion about how there are hidden phallic innuendos in children’s comics.

So I started clicking, as I am wont to do.

It started out innocently enough with this:

Which was a pretty innocuous innuendo, if it weren’t for the fact that cows are the only hard-working creatures that actually LOVE to go to work in the morning. I mean imagine getting a boob massage EVERYDAY.

This quickly led to

 

If you don’t know what a flipping out and a Pearl Necklace is, you’re too young to be on this blog. Go home to your momma.

Then there was:

 

Archie was apologizing for using teeth, as is clearly indicated by the principal’s glasses falling off.

Veronica always said that diamonds are a girls’ best friend. But Betty has naughtier playmates.

By this time, I figure, my data set is biased. All I’ve been looking at are the stupid kiddie comics, and what the artists intend to be funny, I turn into… well… fun (for me, anyway).

So I decide to focus on more serious comics (there’s an oxymoron). I started out with my childhood hero He-Man. (He was my ticket to the fabulous She-Ra!)

Well whaddaya know… Keep your friends close but your enemies closer. Bet He-Man never had a problem finding a bone.

I don’t know if ALF qualifies as serious, but the tumor that is his face looked like it sure was.

I did say serious, right? Ok, so let’s go back to serious.

Nothing is more serious than the Germans.

Little did you know that I have a doctorate in German literature and “DIE KOMISCHE HANSE” means “THE COSMIC ASS DILDO OF THE UNIVERSE”.

And little did I realize that I opened “EINE PANDORA’S BOXEN”

Worst case scenario is the robot breaks down. In which case the guy can probably use the spare parts to make a “Steely Dan” (is that showing my age, that I know this reference? LOL)

Speaking of “Steely Dan”s…

MEGA GIRL NEEDS A MEGA ROD! You better not piss her off unless you want to be MEGA RAPED.

Which brings us to Superheroes!

Now Captain America is a pretty good, solid, dependable guy. That’s the whole point of being Captain America. He has a very commanding presence. So it’s kind of hard not to do what he says when:

And up until this day, I shit you not, I did not know he had a sidekick. I was too busy getting beaten up in high school to read comics.

But what’s this? Captain America and Batman in a double-date?

In case you can’t read what they’re saying:

Batman (to Robin): Something that’s not on your “need to know” list just yet, chum.

Batman to Capn’ America: Captain, you’ll excuse us. Robin and I have something Important to attend to.

Captain America to Batman: As do WE Batman. Until we meet again

The Sidekick (I don’t know his name): Did you see the way Robin was LOOKING AT ME, Captain?

… AND THIS TAKES THE CAKE…

“I guess he knows who has the better PARTNER and a more EXCITING life.

To which Robin just had to beat them at their own game. So he invited Batman into a dark alley:

What the naive little Robin didn’t know was that Batman was cheating on him.

Bestiality     -     cheating on him:

Which I guess isn’t a weird thing in the superhero world. Even spidey is getting lucky with Swogthings in Swogland.

But what about The Man of Steel?

I’m not gonna bother typing out the bubble. This picture says it all: Superman, undressing, with a little teenager bent over, biting into a pillow… crying…

IT’S SUPERMAN FOR CRYING OUT LOUD. IMAGINE X-RAY VISION, HEAT VISION, AND SUPER STRENGTH IN A 9-INCH ROD!

And how do I know it’s a 9-incher? This is my proof:

Ok, ok. Maybe I’m just REFUSING to see that it’s a foot. But with this cover, there are no mistakes:

I mean, it’s self-explanatory: GIANT-SIZE MAN-THING.

I’ll have two to go.

 

 

 

In conclusion: always look twice, but:

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